My Company Provides Senior Home Care. Here’s what I Wish You Knew About Your Parents

How to make smarter senior home care choices for your loved ones

When you were a child, your parents probably read guidebooks and articles to help them understand their children. And if you’re a parent yourself, chances are you couldn’t turn around without seeing titles like What to Expect When You’re Expecting and “10 Things Your Kids Wish You Knew About Them.”  But now, you’re seeing your parents change in ways that might surprise you. Maybe they forget things that you think they should remember. Maybe their lifelong sharp wit feels a step off, or they’re just plain slowing down. It’s entirely likely that some of these changes come without warning. And there aren’t nearly as many guides to parent care as there are for childcare.

I know it because our senior home care Certified Nursing Assistants (CNAs), Registered Nurses (RNs) and I spend every day in meaningful engagement with people just like your parents. We recognize how bridging significant gaps in understanding can yield better relationships. We also see how ignoring those gaps can turn misunderstandings into painful challenges as seniors and their adult children navigate life changes and important decisions together. In short, just as you may have learned important things your children couldn’t tell you themselves, we’ve identified seven important things that most adult children need to grasp about their parents.

Your parents deserve the best care and support they and your family can afford.

Senior home care can be expensive. However, I’ve seen what happens when families try to cut corners when opting to help their parents age in place. They’ll hire someone who isn’t certified or whose CPR isn’t up to date. Maybe the caregiver they select carries too many clients to provide adequate attention to any of them. Or the family chooses someone to provide only the most minimal assistance because the parent’s needs are light. But, when things change, they find themselves with insufficient support.  

As your parents may have told you when you were growing up, price isn’t everything, but you typically get what you pay for. Quality, qualified senior home care professionals do so much more than provide daily support. They are the first line of care when things go wrong, and they recognize opportunities for early intervention to protect health and extend quality of life. Make decisions to ensure the highest care quality if something goes wrong, not the bare minimum when everything’s okay.

Even when they seem to act in childish ways, your parents are still adults.

If your parents resist assistance, you may think they are acting like children – and you will have to make decisions for them. Take great care before following that path. Your parents’ reluctance likely comes from very real fears of losing their independence and autonomy. To put it another way, they’re not fighting you – they’re fighting to maintain their dignity as their age or condition takes its toll.

You and any caregiver you select must recognize that seemingly childish behavior isn’t the same as a child’s behavior. Your parents need patience and support to continue to be the people they are. Anything else has the potential to accelerate decline and yield frustration (for everyone).

Your parents need to be met where they are (and those locations are subject to change).

One of the biggest challenges we see comes from adult children who try to define a parent’s condition based on snapshot interactions rather than a more complex day-to-day perspective. Don’t assume that if your parent seems confused or less capable than they used to be, it means they are slipping into a new stage of dementia. Behavioral changes may also be due to an isolated illness or an emotional event. Likewise, a parent’s abilities may diminish in one area of life, even as they are perfectly on top of things in other areas. In other words, your expectations for what to expect from your parents may change daily, depending on a variety of circumstances, some of which you may never see. Some days will be better than others.  

You need to help your parents make care decisions based on trends over time rather than exceptional, upsetting events. The right caregiver will have the training and experience to distinguish one-time issues from long-term problems. In short, sometimes its best to be there in the moment with your parents, rather than attempting to guide them to do things that they cannot manage mentally, physically or emotionally at that point in time. 

Your parents live in their world, not yours.

Your day-to-day life is very different from that of your parents. While you likely engage with a wide range of people and experiences every day, they may be more isolated. That’s why it’s imperative that they participate in the planning that underpins their care as much as possible and practical. It’s your responsibility to enter their world, not the other way around. 

If you take this approach to senior home care, your parents can become emotionally invested in their senior home care plan’s success. They’ll preserve some agency and control over their situation – which is crucial both to minimize conflict and maximize positive results. 

Dementia need not take away dignity.

When we meet with families, one myth we see repeatedly is that dementia means a broad-based loss of all mental acuities at the same rate of progression. Decline may be inevitable, but the truth is that every individual takes a different path. In many cases, seniors remain very adept in some aspects of their lives while facing growing challenges in others.

When seniors’ issues include cognitive decline, their children and caregivers need to maintain perspective and patience. As the process evolves, things may change daily or even hourly. A solid sense of humor also helps, especially if your loved one feels safe enough to talk openly and maybe even joke about their situation. It all comes back to dignity. The more you respect theirs, the more likely they will be to respond with acceptance.

Their memories deserve your empathy.

Your parents have far more history behind them than the future ahead of them, and they know it. Those memories they keep sharing are hard-won rewards gained over decades – the treasure that comes from trading future potential for a well-lived life. 

It’s essential that they know how you value those memories and their feelings about them. Indeed, empathy and compassion go much further than instruction or correction, especially with any form of cognitive decline. Loved ones who can’t focus on facts with accuracy or easily articulate what they’re going through will still respond positively when they know that you understand their feelings.

Your parents still love you, even when they act out.

Sometimes, your parents may try to push you away. It might be because they’re ashamed of their condition or frustrated by their lack of independence. Or they may be afraid that they’re interrupting your life or placing a burden on your finances.

Think about how difficult it might be for you to embrace the type of assistance you’re asking your parents to adopt. From your perspective, you are offering generous support. From their perspective, however, your offer may come across as a demand for trust and a surrender of privacy. 

For most of their lives, you looked up to them to be there and care for you. Imagine how embarrassing or even shameful it might be for them to feel diminished in your eyes. Reversing the parent-child dynamic is a big, difficult ask. The key is to realize their fears aren’t a personal rejection. Remember – they love you. And they need to know that even as their capabilities have changed, you still love them, too. 

How our knowledge of these truths supports our clients

At Perfect Care Nursing, we not only support the seniors in our care; we also help their loved ones to bridge the gaps between the way their parents have always been and the way they are now. That means active emotional engagement as well as physical care. After all, we’re not just providing a service. We’re coming into your lives, so it’s essential that we understand who our clients have been, as well as who they are. 

For example, one of the seniors we care for had a lifelong habit of visiting Starbucks every morning. Now, he can’t drive anymore. So, when his CNA drives him to medical and other appointments, she makes a point of ordering his latte at that Starbucks so he can say hello to his favorite barista, as well as pick up his favorite coffee. It’s a little gesture, but it makes a big difference in his life.

When I set out to build Perfect Care Nursing, I knew I had to employ high-quality caregivers, provide ongoing training, and secure the low staff turnover necessary to help seniors age in place. But, if there’s one thing I’ve learned about senior home care, it’s that our technical excellence is only as successful as our understanding and support for our clients and their families. 

There is no perfect guide for what to expect with an aging parent. But the right process combined with an open ear and an open heart can make all the difference.